


Spoilers

by EllanaSan



Series: Hayffie Aus [1]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Doctor Who, Doctor Who AU, Effie is River assistant, F/M, Hayffie, Haymitch's is the doctor's companion, post The Wedding Of River Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-03-11 12:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3327662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllanaSan/pseuds/EllanaSan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That was the moment the TARDIS chose to start making weird noises. Lights flashed on the console and beeping started echoing all around the room. <br/>Haymitch didn’t even move from the stairs, stoically taking another gulp of whiskey. <br/>He had been traveling with the Time Lord for about two weeks and he had already understood that trouble would find them every few hours. <br/>He hoped it wouldn’t be Daleks. Very unpleasant, those ones. And deadly for oversized saltshakers…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There was an ask a while ago about doing a hayffie story River/Doctor style. I decided to make it a full crossover. It was fun getting to write the Doctor and River while I was at it, I hope I didn’t make a big mess of their characters. 
> 
> It can be read with only a basic knowledge of the show but in my head this takes place after The Wedding of River Song and before The Doctor, The Widow and The Wardrobe, so end of season 6 basically.

“You’re sure you know how to drive this thing?” Haymitch snorted in his silver flask.

“ _Oy_! Don’t call her _a thing_!” the Doctor said defensively, pausing in his mad dash around the console long enough to stroke the main panel lovingly. “Never mind him, Sexy. _Humans._ ”

The last part was added on the same tone most people spat “ _Americans_ ” and it made Haymitch snort again. He was sitting on one of the stairs leading to the control room, still wondering what he was doing there. He had met the Doctor during a very unpleasant meeting with green things apparently coming from a planet called Raxacoricowhatevertherestwas. The man had told him to run and given that giant aliens were actively trying to hunt him, Haymitch had seen no reason to deny him so he had run. Straight into the Tardis. Why he had stayed once the Earth was saved was anyone’s guess but he was enjoying the space travels. It wouldn’t last forever, Haymitch knew that. The Doctor was a talkative man but never for the important subjects yet Haymitch had kind of figured out that there had been others before – _a lot_ of others – and that his latest companions – since that was the honorific title he had been dubbed with during their visit to Eudamus, their last stop and a real catastrophe because Haymitch was too old to run – thought him dead. He was just standing in until the Ponds, whoever they were, came back on board. It suited Haymitch just fine, he had nothing else to live for.

“ _Can_ you drive it though?” he insisted, taking another swing despite the disapproving glance the Time Lord sent his way. “Seems to me we’re going at random.”

“All of time and space and you’re never happy, are you?” the Doctor sighed, shaking his head. “I will have you know I’m _very_ qualified to pilot the TARDIS. In fact I’m the only one who…”

Of course, that was the moment the TARDIS chose to start making weird noises. Lights flashed on the console and beeping started echoing all around the room.

Haymitch didn’t even move from the stairs, stoically taking another gulp of whiskey.

He had been traveling with the man for about two weeks and he had already understood that trouble would find them every few hours.

He hoped it wouldn’t be Daleks. Very unpleasant, those ones. And deadly for oversized saltshakers…

The ship started shaking enough that Haymitch was flung against the wall. He wisely decided to put his flask back in his pocket – another thing he had learned quickly : always protect the booze – and to join the Doctor at the console. The Time Lord was pulling on levers, pushing buttons but it didn’t seem to help neither the TARDIS nor the frown on his face.

“We’re being highjacked. That’s impossible!” the Doctor rushed out, almost more puzzled than worried. He was staring at one of the monitor. “Ah, I see. This is _my_ ship. The rudeness of some people…”

Haymitch peered over his shoulder but whatever the screen was saying, he couldn’t understand it.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

As if on cue, the TARDIS stopped shaking, apparently arrived at destination. The door opened wide and the two men barely had time to duck before red laser shots beheaded them both. One of them touched something on the wall that sent sparks of electricity flying everywhere. Two women tumbled inside and remained in a heap on the floor. The Doctor didn’t wait long enough to figure it out, he started pushing buttons and levers again and the TARDIS was flying right out of there - wherever _there_ was.

Haymitch wordlessly grabbed the alien fire extinguisher the Doctor handed him and set to work on the small flames leaping from the walls – it wasn’t their first fire either, life was never dull in the TARDIS.

One of the women stood up, green ball gown and the messier mane of red curls Haymitch had ever seen in his life. He didn’t know it was possible to have that much hair.

“Wife.” the Doctor greeted with a delighted smile. “What trouble did you cause today?”

_Wife_? Haymitch’s eyebrows shot up but no one was paying him much attention.

“Sorry for the highjacking, sweetie.” the woman replied, pressing a greeting kiss against the Doctor’s lips. “Who knew Judoons were so susceptible… They run fast for overgrown rhinoceros.”

“You would run faster without high heels.” the Doctor pointed out.

The other woman scoffed at that, finally picking herself up from the floor.

“ _Fashion_.” she declared, smoothing her pink dress. “We could hardly be expected to wear boots with this kind of outfits. It’s all about harmonizing, you know.” Her bright blue eyes settled on the red bow tie and cringed as if the sight was a personal offense. “Or perhaps, you don’t. I wish you would let me take care of your wardrobe, Doctor.”

Her pained sigh was followed by a long silence during which the Time Lord stared at the blonde he clearly didn’t know. He turned to the other woman and gestured with his hands. “Should we…”

The redhead was already waving a blue notebook and they walked away, muttering between themselves about “where they were”. Not that it made any sense.

Haymitch wished he hadn’t become _that_ blasé about it all.

The other woman remained by the doors, checking her reflection on the central panel up until she noticed him staring, the fire extinguisher forgotten in his hands. She was quite pretty. Much more than the Doctor’s wife – and he would need an explanation about _that._ Blue eyes, blond strands pinned in a complicated bun, pretty red-painted lips that stretched in a delighted smile when she spotted him.

“Haymitch!” she squealed in obvious pleasure.

She was running before he could ask how she knew his name, and he barely had time to open his arms to avoid an awkward collision. She wrapped her own arms around his neck and drew him in for a kiss that left him breathless. He was never one to pass on a good kiss so instead of doing the honorable thing and tell her she was probably deluded, he pulled her closer and deepened it.

She was still smiling when the kiss ended and she left her arms right where they were, locked around his neck.

“Oh, I had the most _awful_ day.” she whined. “How long ago was Fazilum for you? I think I’m going to quit. I love working with Doctor Song but the life and death situations are becoming _quite_ too much to handle, wouldn’t you say? Oh, did I tell you about the gorgeous shoes I found on New New New Earth?”

“Do you ever breathe?” he asked, very seriously. He was sure there were odd aliens out there who never needed to take a breath.

“Effie.” the other woman called suddenly as she and the Doctor came into view. The Time Lord looked at Haymitch with wide eyes and gestured behind his wife’s back what surely was a question about what he was doing with a stranger in his arms.

Effie – since it was her name – simply leaned on him to look at her friend over her shoulder. “Yes?”

The redhead looked particularly amused, there was a smirk on her lips. “Those two are far behind. Haymitch hasn’t met you yet.”

“My apologies?” Effie stuttered, turning to glare at him. “Why did you kiss me then? Are you in a habit of kissing strangers?”

“ _You_ kissed me, sweetheart.” he pointed out.

“Oh, don’t start nitpicking at semantics.” she frowned. “You have _no_ manners whatsoever, Haymitch. _Completely_ insufferable.”

“ _Who_ are you?” he asked at last, flabbergasted and strangely fascinated at the same time. She looked human but you never knew nowadays.

“My assistant.” the redhead said. “And we’re in a hurry.”

She started talking about a jewel they were supposed to bring back before they were due for a class at an archeology event or another but Haymitch wasn’t listening. He was staring at the woman in his arms, obviously crossed with him for having responded to her kiss even though she wasn’t trying to escape his embrace, and he was utterly puzzled.

“Care to explain?” he insisted. “Clearly, you know me but I’ve never met you, Princess. I would remember.”

“Oh, you will soon.” the Doctor’s wife declared, winking at the Time Lord. “It’s a good one. You will love it.”

“What’s a good one?” Haymitch frowned.

“Spoilers.” the redhead laughed.

Effie gently nudged his arms off her and kissed his cheek. “Until next time.”

“What? No, wait…” Haymitch sputtered. “Who are you?”

But the redhead had already pulled on a lever and before he could do anything, they were out the door. He tried to follow but the TARDIS made the noise it always made when it was about to fly and he was flung back inside.

The Doctor was watching him with an amused expression.

“Who was she?” Haymitch asked, unable to shake her blue eyes and her perfect lips out of his mind.

“Your future.” the Doctor grinned. “Be careful, now, Haymitch, last time that happened to me, I ended up married. Women are _sneaky_.”

The Time Lord turned back to his console with a boyish pout.

Haymitch blinked and looked at the door the blond woman had just disappeared through.

He supposed the future was something to look forward to.

_She_ certainly was.


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor loved to talk but Haymitch didn’t mind it as long as it was interesting.

He had requested a calm outing this time : no running, no life or death situations, no overgrown saltshakers who wanted to exterminate everything. Life in the TARDIS was _never_ dull but it could be a tad too much sometimes. All the more so for an old drunk who was trying to cut down on liquor – how could he _not_ when the Doctor gave him that disappointed look every time he took a swing out of his flask? Haymitch hated being manipulated but the Doctor was a master at it even though Haymitch didn’t think he was doing it on purpose. Being one of the Time Lord’s companions… It made you _special_ and it made you want to rise up to his expectations, you wanted to impress him. Disappointing him? Well it was the worst case scenario.

The huge library they were visiting was apparently the second largest library in the universe – Haymitch had asked about the first but the Doctor had eluded and had looked so haunted afterwards that he had figured it wasn’t a good topic – and they were strolling in the archeology section. The Doctor had been keeping a steady discourse about architecture, books, and humans but soon stopped to make a face – the same face a five years old would have made confronted with a plate of Brussels sprouts.

“I hate archeology.” the Time Lord declared.

“Your wife is an archeologist.” he scoffed.

“Precisely.” the Doctor sighed dejectedly, then a huge smile brightened his face and he whacked Haymitch on the arm repeatedly to get his attention. “Look! Speak of the devil…”

Haymitch barely had time to spy Doctor Song’s characteristic mane of hair before the Doctor was gone. He rolled his eyes, wondering if he had brought them here on purpose. Second largest library in the universe, archeology section… It wasn’t such a brainer. And if River Song was there, it meant they would soon be swept up in another adventure. So much for a calm outing.

Leaving the Doctor and his wife to their reunion, he looked around, a slow smirk stretching his lips when he found what he was hoping for. He had been traveling with the Doctor for give or take six months now – it was difficult to keep track in a time machine – and he was very well acquainted with Doctor Song and her lovely assistant. Effie Trinket was a pain in the ass more often than not but, it turned out, he wouldn’t have it any other way. How could he when she had kissed him two seconds after he had seen her for the first time? He had been smitten from the get go and it had only gotten worse from there.

She was standing next to one of the huge mahogany tables, studying one of the several books scattered there, clearly lost to her researches. She was wearing a pink wig cut in a short bob. It had been a while since he had seen her wearing wigs but she tended to blend in the fashion of whatever timeframe she and River were visiting.

She didn’t notice him approaching, completely focused on her books.

He wrapped his arms around her from behind her, pressing his chest against her back and dropping a soft kiss on her shoulder. “Hey, sweetheart.”

He wasn’t expecting the slap and he didn’t see it coming either. His head turned to the side with the strength of it. He reached for his cheek with trembling fingers. “What the…” Another slap came from the other side, almost resembling a punch and he barely managed to block the third hit. “What the _fuck_?” he hissed. “If it’s about that woman at the bar again, I told you already…”

“Bar?” she repeated. “Well, it figures. You are _drunk_.”

He worked his jaw open and closed, not sure she hadn’t made lasting damages with her fists. The astonishing number of rings on her fingers alone were dangerous. “Don’t be stupid. Of course, I’m not. You know I’ve been trying to cut off.”

“I will thank you not to insult me and drunk or not is no excuse to grope unaware women.” she retorted, folding her arms over her chest. She looked him up and down. “I have no wish for you to grope me anyway. You are very unkempt. You should shave.”

“Not what you said last time.” he scoffed. “You liked it well enough when I… Wait, where are you?”

 _That_ was a pain.

They never met in the right order.

“On Faralay…” she answered slowly, as if he was especially dumb. “Are you drunk or concussed?”

“I meant in our timeline.” He rolled his eyes.

Last time he had seen her, they had had sex for the first time – in the back of a ship about to crash, locked in a room while the Doctor and River ran around and saved the day, in a frantic _we’re about to die_ way and, admittedly, it had been his best experience in the last decade; he would have had a repeat on the TARDIS but Effie almost had an aneurism when he suggested it, talking about time vortex and TARDIS children and things he had only half understood like part Time Lords people.

“Of course, you did.” she nodded. “I do apologize but I have no time to entertain lunatics today, I actually have important researches to conduct.”

She turned back to her books and acted as if he wasn’t there.

Haymitch didn’t like being ignored.

“Why are you acting like such a bitch?” he growled. “We were fine last time I saw you…”

“Sir, I’ve never seen you before.” she sighed, her piercing blue eyes nailing him on the spot. “And given how rude you are, I have no wish to.”

“ _What_?” he shouted, probably a little too loud given the glaring it got him from various people in the room. Right, _library_.

“Haymitch! Haymitch!” the Doctor suddenly appeared next to him, a little out of breath as if he had run all the way there, gesturing widely between him and Effie. “We’re _way_ _back_ in their timeline. She doesn’t know us yet.”

“You don’t say.” he spat.

“I _do_ say.” the Doctor confirmed, ignoring the sarcasm, before extending a hand to Effie who was now looking positively pissed that her day of researching had been interrupted not by one but _two_ mad men. “Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m the Doctor. And you’re Effie Trinket, of course. Have you met my wife?”

River was just behind the Doctor and greeted Haymitch with a small curious nod. There was no spark of recognition in her eyes, she didn’t know him either.

“Doctor Song!” Effie squeaked. “I am such a _big_ admirer of your work!”

River’s eyes twinkled with amusement as she seized up the woman. “Are you an archeology student?”

“Oh, yes!” Effie beamed. “I am specializing in historic fashion.”

“Boring.” the Doctor mouthed behind her back and Haymitch could only nod silently in answer.

“Really?” River asked. “That’s interesting. What are you working on?”

And that was how Effie managed to drive River’s attention to a lost cursed tiara that the Doctor _immediately_ decided they needed to retrieve. Effie looked lost but she never hesitated when River offered her to come with them.

Twenty-four hours, two near-death experiences, and too much running later, River offered her a job as her assistant and Effie accepted with a beaming smile.

The last thing she did before leaving the TARDIS was drop a kiss on Haymitch’s cheek.

“Next time, maybe I will let you grope me properly.” she giggled in his ear.

“You have no idea, sweetheart.” he snorted.

She winked and followed River out of the TARDIS and on to their next adventure.

He watched her go with something akin to longing, wishing they could just stop meeting like this. He wouldn’t have admitted it out loud but he missed her when she was away.

The Doctor was watching him with a knowing grin.

“Shut up.” Haymitch warned.

The Time Lord lifted his hands in the air and pulled on a lever. “All of time and space. Where are we going?”

It took him only a heartbeat to concede defeat. “Can we find an older Effie?”

The knowing grin turned into open amusement but the Doctor made a great show of pressing buttons and pulling on levers. “ _Geronimo_!”

Haymitch took that as a yes.


End file.
